Mental Health Corner: Anger Resolution
by Shloe Floerke–Flanagan
April 1991
Anger is probably one of the most frequently experienced human emotions but the frequency with which it is experienced in no way increases the likelihood of our learning to deal with and resolve it in a positive, healthy manner. For the Christian and non–Christian alike this emotion is expressed much of the time in negative, destructive, self–defeating ways and does present a myriad of relational problems.
Anger is an emotion experienced by all and is neither "good" nor "bad". For the Christian who considers it a sin to feel and or express anger, a negative connotation has been given this universal emotion. St. Paul gives permission to "be angry" but cautions one to "sin not" (Eph. 4:26). The sin is that of holding, storing, denying or turning anger inward instead of resolving it quickly. Interestingly anger does not evaporate, but stores up when not dealt with. Each person has a given capacity for storing anger but when that capacity is exceeded those around us experience shrapnel wounds as we explode with great intensity. This phenomenon probably is largely responsible for anger having acquired a had name. In an effort to reduce the intensity of feelings, most people practice negative behaviors which often times for the believer constitute sin.
The following behaviors are the most commonly used in regard to anger:
- Attack or lashing out (verbal or physical)
- Score card (I owe you one from yesterday)
- Circular argument (I would not have.... if you had not first ... )
- Denial (I'm not angry as face reddens & nostrils flair)... Satan's favorite
- Walking away (it follows and goes inside)
- Passive aggressive (knife in the back) (Character assassination)
- Turning inward against self ( depression)
- Punishment of offender (the one who made you mad)
- Martyrdom (loud & long suffering .. l've been wronged)
These are negative, destructive self–defeating and sinful ways of anger non–resolution. They allow the "sun to go down upon the anger" as it is never resolved. The goal is to establish blame (always the other person or persons).
It is important to grasp what happens within a person as they experience anger. Each of us has a set of deep personal fears which have become part of us through learning, inherited factors, and maturing. Some are unaware of these, others somewhat aware and still others have invested time and prayer into confronting and working through these fears. Anger stands as a red · flag for fear yet undiscovered or dealt with because anger is tied to these fears in a real and direct way.
Prior to anger registering in our senses, someone says or does something that sends us a message. It may be verbal or non verbal. The message goes through our own perceptual filters & stimulates the fear within. It is at that point that we say someone has "pushed our buttons". We then experience anger as this fear activates & churns within us.
An example: Mary holds the fear that she is less than swift of mind. She finds herself in a group where a spokesperson is to be chosen. Sue indicates Marilyn should serve this function as she is the most intelligent. Because anger messages are very personal Mary hears through her perceptual filters that she is not as intelligent as Marilyn. Her fear is stimulated and suddenly she bums with anger at not having been chosen. Egocentricity does not allow Mary to be vulnerable and share with Sue her fear and anger, therefore there is little chance of resolution .. it is blocked.
A new scenario can be written with a goal of resolution if Mary will:
- Own her anger
- Introspect and discover what fear has been touched by what message; when this is accomplished the intensity of anger will drop remarkably.
- offer up the fear to Christ asking his perfect love to cast out the fear and fill the space.
- Become vulnerable and express the fear and resultant anger to the person you feel anger toward.
Following these steps will bring resolution. These steps will not change the other person but you will experience the freedom of having let go of the anger. As anger resolution is achieved in a relationship, the relationship deepens and grows. A relationship does not reach a depth of maturity and stability until this occurs several times. Anger resolution steps are difficult, deliberate and chancy when we begin.... This behavioral change, but are well worth the effort as we gain the ability to let go of anger and express it in a positive manner. It is amazing how Christ's peace permeates us as the fear and anger resolves. "So be angry and sin not": RESOLVE IT.
(In another column we will deal with anger & forgiveness)
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