Healing the Wounds of Divorce

by Linda Strickland
Summer 2014

"My heart was pounding wildly inside my chest as I climbed the stairs and entered the sparsely furnished one bedroom apartment that was to be my home. It smelled of stale cigarette smoke, the windows were in need of cleaning, and the carpet was very worn in spots. The small space felt uncomfortable and uninviting. How did I get to this place? After thirty years of marriage, five children, and a twenty–year career of Christian ministry why was I living alone in an ugly apartment building? The feelings of despair, anxiety, and disorientation were enormous as I sat on the worn–out sofa and tried to reconstruct the events of the past several months. I prayed to die rather than spend the remainder of my life in so much mental, spiritual and physical trauma. Divorce felt like a total devastation and desolation." (From her book, Healing the Wounds of Divorce, by Barbara Shlemon).

Navigating loss on any level is difficult, but the loss of a significant relationship, especially that of a spouse through divorce, can be emotionally devastating. To quote a newly divorced woman I ministered to, "Divorce is a death and a dying. It's a death with no closure, and a dying that seems to go on and on."

Most of us were taught how to enter relationships, but we were not taught how to end them. Unless you have had multiple marriages and divorces you do not have a frame of reference for how to deal with it when it happens to you, especially if you have been married for a long time.

On an average, 18,000 divorces take place every week in the United States. That means that more than 2 million people experience divorce each year. With these kinds of numbers, Christian Healing Ministries recognizes the enormous need for ministering to those who have been wounded by this often–traumatizing experience. In our School of Healing Prayer^® Level II we have a teaching devoted specifically to understanding and ministering to people with wounds of divorce. Although society accepts divorce more readily, it still produces devastating effects on couples, children, extended families, friends and churches. In prayer ministry it is essential to be familiar with the often unexpected and difficult process of healing following a divorce.

The Process of Healing Following Divorce

When ministering to someone following a divorce it is important to realize that they may still be in denial, a common first reaction to divorce. They may pretend the divorce never happened or downplay its importance. It is much like physical shock after an accident; the body shuts down until it can better deal with the pain. It is important to note that at this stage they may not be ready for healing prayer. They may need individual counseling with clergy or a professional counselor first. Counseling can help them come to terms with the pain as the initial shock of the divorce wears off.

Feelings and Emotions

Emotions have a lot of energy attached to them, so the process of walking through these feelings and emotions can be a difficult and often painful experience. Creating a safe and loving environment for this process is extremely helpful and can even encourage the process to move more quickly than it might have taken otherwise. Here are some common feelings and emotions:

Sadness

A divorced person may seem inconsolable, especially in the beginning. The truth is their heart is broken, and your only role (at this point) may be just to hold them and let them cry.

Abandonment

One of the top fears we have is being abandoned. Following a divorce, people often say they feel deserted, discarded, forsaken, cast off or tossed aside.

Rejection

Feeling rejected is a devastating component of divorce trauma. A sense of not being wanted can be a blow to one's self–esteem.

Loneliness

The human heart was created for connectedness, and when the person you have felt most connected to is out of your life, it can be devastatingly lonely.

So much of the pain of divorce is the pain of loneliness. The danger of loneliness is that some people will make bad choices to fill the emptiness in their heart, so they may also need to deal with the consequences of those bad choices.

Failure

We live in a society that prides itself on granting personal freedom of choice, yet somehow divorce seems to always trigger feelings of failure.

Guilt and Regret

The person you are ministering to may be the one who initiated the divorce, and now that they are divorced they find themselves in a place of regret or guilt for breaking up their family.

Shame

In his book, Healing the Shame that Binds You, John Bradshaw describes shame as: "A rupture of the self within the self. It's like internal bleeding. A shame–based person will guard against exposing their inner self to others, but more significantly, they will guard against exposing their self to their self. There is shame about shame."

When someone feels this way they tend to withdraw from society. Many Christians who are going through divorce will stay away from church rather than reaching out to the church for help because of embarrassment and fear of judgment.

Fear

Barbara Shlemon candidly shares in her book how the fear she experienced as she was in the process of healing from her divorce often caused her to think she was physically sick. "Feelings of fear crept over me like a suffocating blanket. I could be walking in the mall, driving down the highway, or talking with a friend and suddenly become gripped with terrifying anxiety. The palms of my hands would begin to sweat, my heart would race, my chest felt tight and I became light–headed. The frequency and duration of these panic attacks made me believe that I was physically ill. However, subsequent medical tests did not substantiate my diagnosis. ‘Have you recently been experiencing unusual amounts of stress?' inquired the examining physician. ‘Yes, doctor, I'm going through a divorce.' He explained the current research data that unquestionably places divorce at the top of the stress scale." It has been documented that psychosomatic illnesses (which is the wear and tear of the mind and emotions on the physical body) affects approximately 90% of the patients seen in a doctor's office.

Anger

Anger is a very common emotion following a divorce, but many people do not know how to express what they are feeling. Barbara Shlemon addressed this emotion by saying, "It was necessary for me to overcome the belief in my formative years (in home and school) that anger was wrong, bad, unacceptable and unladylike. I had to teach my inner self that anger is a healthy, important and life–giving feeling. The first time I said, ‘I am feeling angry' to another person was a big step toward wholeness. I now know feelings of anger are an appropriate response to the trauma of divorce. When the entire course of one's life is re–directed with the rupture of a primary relationship, becoming angry is a sign of emotional health! However, giving reign to these feelings through rage and violence is not acceptable."

Grief

People will often say that divorce feels like a death. I have a friend who told me that when her divorce was final, it felt like someone had died, except all of the corpses were still walking around. According to recent studies, the physical and emotional costs of divorce can be higher than those imposed by a spouse's death. Many divorcees say that they would rather be widowed because death does not carry the social stigma and feelings of failure that divorce does. Unlike a death, where there is a funeral, family and casseroles, the person tends to grieve all alone.

People will sometimes have conflicted emotions. For instance, in one day they may feel relief, sadness, happiness, and despair. Talking about their emotions will often bring calmness, and help them to feel in better control. Then they can begin to process their loss through healthy grief. As prayer ministers, one of the most loving things we can do is to acknowledge a person's pain and suffering; to tell them that what they are feeling is normal.

Areas That May Require Special Attention

Judgments

More than likely, many judgments have been made during the course of the divorce. Whether these judgments were made by the couple on each other, by the in–laws, by their children, their friends or even their church, it is important to acknowledge the judgments and ask the Lord to cut them free from these judgments.

Inner Vows

As a result of the pain, many people will make an inner vow (a promise to their self) in order to guard against feeling the pain again. Some examples might be: "I will never love again. I will never marry again. I will never trust again." Vows carry significant power in the spiritual realm and it is important to deal with those in prayer.

Forgiveness

For healthy divorce recovery to take place, it is important for a person to feel all of the feelings associated with the loss. Many Christians, in particular, try to skip over all the uncomfortable feelings by jumping into forgiveness too soon. By doing this they bury their emotions and never process their pain. On the other hand, some people allow themselves to wallow in self–pity and endless recounting of offenses to the point that they never let go of the desire to punish or get even. Both of these scenarios can be equally harmful. At some point the person must make a conscious decision to forgive so they can begin to live again.

Identity

When people divorce they are no longer part of a couple, so their identity changes. Some people no longer feel comfortable in social settings with couples. I have heard people say, "He (or she) got custody of our friends. I now have no one. I don't even know who I am anymore." As a result many people will withdraw and become isolated. As prayer ministers we have the great joy of reminding them that their first identity is in Christ Jesus. God created them and has a purpose for them. Once this is re–established they can work on rebuilding their identity and reconnecting in community, in their family and in their church.

Generational Healing

If the divorced person comes from a family where divorce has been prevalent, it is important to ask God to break the generational predisposition in their family lines, and to free the family from the effects of divorce.

Children of Divorce

It is important to consider that the person coming in for ministry may be the adult child of divorced parents who never processed the divorce or received healing for their wounds. When people divorce, their children go through the divorce as well, and for them the trauma can produce lasting effects and even scars. Some of the wounds of divorce that children need healing for are (ironically) the same as their parents: guilt, rejection, shame, fear, anger, grief, etc.

RESTORATION

At the end of her book, and after her long journey of healing following her divorce, Barbara Shlemon concludes with these words of promise, "The pathway toward recovery from a broken marriage is marked with countless twists and turns along the road. Often we seem to take three steps forward and four steps back with strong emotions threatening to jeopardize the trip. At each juncture on the trail we can choose to let go of the past and move on with life or stay stuck with feelings of hopelessness, regret and sorrow. Letting go means trusting God's unconditional and never failing love in the midst of confusion and doubt. The entire Bible is a testimony to God's faithfulness to His promises toward those who trust in Him. No matter how the Israelites strayed from His loving care, Yahweh was constantly reaching out to them."

Isaiah 61 is a beautiful passage of scripture packed full with the promises of God, and the following portion exemplifies the restorative nature of God. Since Israel has been called an unfaithful wife in the past, to see her restoration compared to the joyfulness of a wedding seems not only appropriate, but poetically healing to those who have been wounded by divorce.

Linda Strickland is CHM's Associate Director of Ministry and Assistant to Judith MacNutt.